Communication and conflict are the top two issues most couples face. They can create painful experiences and build a huge wall of disconnect between you and your partner. No one taught you communication or conflict resolution skills in school, so you rely on what you’ve learned from your parents, school, peers, teachers, other adults, movies, television, and nowadays, the internet and social media. Unfortunately, these sources often don’t provide the best learning for the skills you need.
Most people who are winging it haven’t learned a key principle called “Taking Ownership.” They speak to their spouse, and the first word is “You,” with the intention not to give a compliment. Whenever couples start a sentence with “You,” it often leads to blame, attack, giving away power, control, or playing the victim. This approach doesn’t serve anyone and can perpetuate a vicious cycle of conflict, upset, and defensiveness in your marriage.
The best thing to do is to take ownership of what you say. Start your sentence with “I” or phrases like “This is how I see it,” “This is how it landed for me,” or “This is what I thought I heard.” No one can make you feel any type of way, so it’s not helpful to make it about them. You can say, “I feel _____ about something,” which owns your perspective, emotions, and point of view.
This is part of the work I do with couples, and it is much more involved than just this, but it’s a great starting point. Taking ownership can help end cycles of arguments and conflict, paving the way for healthier communication and a stronger connection. You can further strengthen your connection by starting a sentence with “You” and making it a genuine compliment.
Radiant Pathways Inc. –Marriage Coaching
Here at Radiant Pathways, I help married couples from all walks of life and in all stages of their marriage find the tools and learn the skills they need to thrive. If you’re looking for an empathic, skilled marriage coach to help you overcome issues that may be tearing your partnership apart.
Susan Ortolano – Intuitive Relationship & Marriage Coach
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